Examen Step 2: Reflecting on Our Day + Feelings

After being sick for a few weeks, I returned to my regular rhythms by doing a big examen. I outlined things I was grateful for and looked back on what happened while I was ill and how it felt. It didn't take long for me to realize I never sent this newsletter. Nor did I show up on social media much, fold laundry, or see my daughter's basketball games. I slept. I saw the doctor. I took all the medicine from antibiotics to green juice.

This is the crux of reflection: we bear witness to what happened as well as what didn't happen. The examen asks us to be aware of both and not jump to conclusions of blame and judgment. Personally, I find the equanimity of this step tough as my mind almost immediately interprets the reflection "data" as (Surprise!) something bad (wherein I am reminded why we don't do this practice alone, but with Spirit who constantly reminds us to stay open to possibilities bigger than our immediate reaction.)

So let's look at what Step 2 is NOT. It is not:

*A memory test where we have to perfectly catalog every event in the day and our response to it.

*A deposition where we will later be asked under oath if we forgot anything, intentionally or otherwise.

*An opportunity to scrutinize our day with such thoroughness that nothing is forgotten or left out.

Step 2 is more like:

*An opportunity to see the vastness of one day and our human experience of it.

*A chance to re-member, to integrate our experiences into ourselves and the present moment as we remember them.

*A time to recognize what we carry with us in each moment. Often, the present moment is heavy with the past and maybe even concern about the future. We see these energetic burdens when we look back. We notice what we're carrying and what is stuck to us.

*A window into how beautifully (and maybe overwhelmingly) complex we are as humans--how a "small thing" can feel big or how a "big thing" is easily brushed off. Our human response to our experiences is not a predictable algorithm. Reflection grows our understanding and compassion for this.

There are so many gifts in Step 2.

From just a neural plasticity point of view, reflection helps our memory.

Beyond that, we begin to feel the gift and weight of being human without shame. We notice that we don't just live in a vast universe, but that we are a vast universe unto ourselves. And sometimes, it is strange and unfamiliar to us even though we are the ones living it.

Not only are our experiences varied in a day, but Step 2 points out that we live in a broad spectrum of emotion. I think it gently nudges us towards empathy: if we are noticing days flying by, days heavy with concern, days chaotic like a radio on "scan" and a variety of emotions in response then it follows other people are experiencing similar depths, sharp turns, and challenges even if their particular experience is different.

What I find most beautiful about Step 2 is its invitation to withhold judgment and simply name our experience. This is where we draw closer to Love Within and Love Around. Our reflection is a gift of our attention and care. By reflecting, we are at least curious about the meaning that can be found in our daily life. We are saying, "I wonder if my day and how I felt about it is more relevant and sacred than mere accomplishment and going through the motions. I wonder if Love was there."

In my experience, every time we are in a posture of wonder, we are also in a place of reverence and collaboration.

And it's this energetic space that will help us with Step 3 where we listen even more deeply to Love Within Us and Love Around Us as we ask, "Where were you in my day and my humanity?"

To me, it is a gorgeous gift of grace that the examen leads us to such inquiry and relationship building not through an accounting of whether we got enough done in a day or whether we were good, but through the quiet awe of what is and has been.

In my big examen after I was sick, it's true I felt disorganized and inconsistent when I realized I had written this newsletter, but not sent it. Love asked me simply to notice the illness and my feelings of interruption, diminishment, and falling short as a result of it. What I learn from that will come in Step 3 when I do more listening and sharing with the Divine. For now, all that matters is that I can see some of the past is still speaking to me and some of it may very well be the voice of Love.

Provided I don't write the next newsletter and forget to send it, we'll look at Step 3 next week and consider moments of connection and disconnection in our day.

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